No relationship is perfect. For example, not all of us have partners with compatible work schedules. You might describe us as the MarriedSingle: those who must constantly explain the whereabouts of our significant other at every gathering. We anticipate being asked "where's Channing, at work again?" We are accustomed to being a third/fifth/seventh-and-a-half wheel. We don't even blame people for wondering if our spouse is actually a figment of our imagination, because being seen with them in public is akin to capturing a phantom or riding a unicorn.
"Check ya later, Mrs. Tatum!"
It is not uncommon for my friends to go a year or more without seeing my husband. What I'm saying is that when it comes to social events, I typically arrive alone. In my opinion, this should not be a problem. But you know, societal pressures. I often end up in the middle of a group of singles looking to mingle, otherwise the only sad sack without a date at a New Year's Eve group dinner. Sometimes it feels like one big, awkward identity crisis. After all, going everywhere alone is not the point of marriage, amiright? Anyway, I sometimes get tired of flying solo. But I don't despair! I have a solution.
So imagine you, like me, care about your friendships. BUT YOU ALSO, like me, enjoy the fringe benefits of having a husband. In other words you enjoy being married and the security it brings, but you are not interested in becoming a boring old hermit. In this case I present: The Husfriend. This is your BFF (usually female) who is always there for you, but ESPECIALLY in roles that a husband might traditionally fulfill. These may include, but are not limited to:
- calling a restaurant and asking their soups of the day
- putting your carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment
- accompanying you on the Babymoon for which you are flying with said luggage
- agreeing to masquerade as a married couple to random bar patrons
- holding your baby when you are drunk at a party
Doesn't this sound grand? If you think you could benefit from a good Husfriend, I can help you find one. First, think about all your lady friends. Now, keep in mind certain desirable qualities they will need in order to be the best candidate for this role. These attributes may include, but are not limited to:
- deep-seated knowledge of your most horrifying insecurities
- voluntarily hangs out with you despite the aforementioned shortcomings
- extraordinary physical strength
- talent for immaturity (aka ability to make prank calls, give out fake names, wear foolish items of clothing, etc.)
- is not repulsed by sharing a bed with you and/or your infant child
- high alcohol tolerance preferred
- basic bodyguard skills are a plus
- hates all the same people as you do
My point is, friends, do not forgo your social life just because you are MarriedSingle. Better yet, do not forsake it for any reason at all. Not for the sake of being pregnant, or having a baby, or even having already raised that baby into a corporeal child. You see, some things may seem like they should only be done with your significant other. But I am here to tell you this is not the case. You have options! One: do it alone. Two: find a Husfriend to fill that void. Three: combine options one & two.
The Husfriend is a rare and mystical creature; after all, they are known to give up their own far more exciting evenings in favor of socializing with a MarriedSingle instead. Sometimes when I think about it, it makes me wonder why I got married in the first place. Do I really need a husband!?
Reasons to have a husband:
- Justifying the most kickass party of your life, commonly known as a wedding.
- It seemed like it was time make a baby.
- Because fairy tale love?
Whatever, I like having a husband in addition to my Husfriends. It's perfect for visiting him at his weekend job at
Xquisite Club McCormick & Schmick's.
For real tho.
I love my husband and I appreciate our life together; what we've built, and what we strive for as a family. Good, fine, etc. But I also love and appreciate my friends for similar reasons. They're just there for me when I need them.
Some scenarios that come to mind, purely hypothetically of course, would be: yelling at strangers for looking at you the wrong way in a bar, or making puffy paint sweatshirts with you when you're pregnant, or going to bed early at a wedding reception because you both drank dirty martinis until you sunk to the floor, or teaching you to how to speak to a baby, etc. The usual.
TBH, I would be lost without any single one of these girls. Cheers to my Husfriends! Because not all hero(ine)s wear capes: some just _________ (fill in the blank with personal anecdote here).